Today wasn't a good day. I wish I could start off this journal saying that I had the best day ever, but it wasn't a good day. I woke up and went to a meeting and was happy for a bit and then I took a nap, but once I woke up I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, or say anything. So I didn't. Maybe that's the mistake, but I digress. I hope my day turns around and it's starting to because this is something that I've always wanted to do - my own blog where I can write my own feelings and have people see it. Today, I didn't do very much and that's okay because there will always be bad days while healing. Some days you won't even want to heal and sometimes you're going to want to go back because that's what you're used to, that's what you're comfortable with. I wish today was a good day, but it wasn't so I can only hope that tomorrow is better. "You lived through today and I'm so proud of you because there will never be another day like today. " This quote really stuck with me when I first saw it on one of my feeds because it's so true, you did today - good job. Another quote that really stuck out to me today was "I don't want to die, but I don't want to live." I think that encompasses my situation really well because at this moment, I'm not sure if I don't want to die, but I know I don't want to live. Right now, I feel like I'm living for everyone else but me and I want to live for me, but I don't know how anymore. I don't know how to live for myself anymore so I live for everyone around me. I'm sorry for that, maybe I should start being selfish but I already am so selfish. Sorry for all the self-pitying, I hope that you're okay one day, but that day may not be for awhile and that's okay because you're alive.
Today got better. I wrote that at a really bad time and I apologize for that because the day can get better. I watched the movie "Greater" and I got some food in me and I started to think about what I wanted out of life and it cheered me up and helped me put things into perspective. "It's not how you start, it's how you end."
Everyone has started as a beginner at one point, but you keep going. Life goes on and you LEARN. - Alex Risdall (2/12/22)
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