Present

Song to listen to while reading this: Better by Chris Renzema.

Lately I've been going over this concept of being where your feet are. This concept comes from wanting to be more present in the moment, of not getting caught up in being somewhere else but being where your feet are right now. I've had a lot of problems with being present, especially lately. I've been struggling quite a bit physically, emotionally, and mentally because I wasn't able to process what I was feeling. I couldn't process what I was feeling because I kept blocking it out with sugar and I know what you're thinking: not alcohol or drugs? Well no, I didn't realize how much sugar I was consuming and it kept activating more and more dopamine, but it also made me crash. By crash, I don't mean that I went to bed, well I sort of did. A few weeks ago, my body shut down. I was still mentally there, but my entire physical body wouldn't respond to what I wanted it to do. A week ago, I realized why. I was pumping sugar and protein into my body, which can be a good thing, but when you overdo it like I did, it's not. It helped me to be more present, but it also made it so that I couldn't process any emotions and when I did come down from the high, I was completely gone until my next fix. I've lived my life actively avoiding things like that that would make me do that. Make me shut down and have withdrawals without it. The withdrawals haven't stopped. I have a headache even now writing this, like my brain wants its fix. It's not as bad as some other drugs and it's not life-changing, but it's something that I've been going through and I don't like it. I've been changing my diet, changing a lot lately to match up to who I want to be and not be held back by this, but I think it exacerbated some physical problems I've been having as well. The sugar and protein made me think my muscles were good to go and so I kept pushing with them again and again not giving them time to rest. I wouldn't change what I did, it helped me to grow and it's going to make me healthier in the long run, but I hurt people along the way. I made so many mistakes and coming down and being able to think again (because me on a sugar high made me highly unfocused and not able to think clearly and I see that now) has been so liberating. I loved the rush and how I was on sugar, but you can't rush that process. You can't keep running from your problems. The last month was a present and I learned a little more about how to be where my feet are, about how to stay in the moment. I also learned why drugs are so addicting and got a better view into what people go into with withdrawals. Not to the extent that they have it, I would never claim that, but a little more insight. Coming down has also helped me to realize that there are still things from my past that I've left open. Scars that haven't completely healed and I didn't realize that. I wrote letters to those people that they'll never see because I realized I never forgave them. They hurt people close to me, they hurt me and I was betrayed, but I never processed that. I never let myself because there was always something else going on. Being present doesn't mean that you won't have bad days and that you shouldn't process the past. Being present means being where your feet are and wherever they take you. If they take you to somewhere so you can process a bad memory, then process that bad memory and make peace with it. It's not easy. But it's simple. One of my favorite quotes, still to this day is "what is right is simple, it doesn't always mean it's easy." I don't remember exactly who said that and I couldn't find it online, but I think it still holds up.

Oftentimes and I am especially guilty of this, we take the easy way out. We try to forget and keep running away from our problems. We think that because we're happy, that because our dopamine is keeping us high that we're past our depression. My depression doesn't define who I am or what I can do. It's one facet of me and it's shaped me into who I am, but it's not the only part, I've made sure of that. These past few years have been me building myself back up and learning to be present. I want to love life and live each day like its a gift and that starts with taking care of myself, that starts with getting out of bed and working. It's not always about being happy doing everything that I'm doing, it's about being happy with the results of what I'm doing.

I will be where my feet stand. I want to sit by the beach and watch the waves. That's the kind of thing I live for. Sunsets. Sunrises. Friends. Family. Events. School. Work. Learning. Helping. Community. We recently learned about Van Gogh and how he never got the help he needed, he just found outlets to express his pain and they thought that was enough to help. I'm terrified that's all I'm doing, but if it is then I hope I do it well. I don't live each day dreading the next, I live each day being present. And maybe at the end of the day, that is my present. Not that I'm alive in a day, but that because I'm alive I get to help someone else have a better day too.

I'm gonna be honest, you're going to make mistakes. I've made so many in the past two months and I'm still working on rectifying them. I'm still working on being better, on my communication specifically and on healing from past trauma (that I didn't realize I didn't heal from) and it'll take time. I hope that I have that time and that I make the most of that time and of the time that I have on this planet. I want to be better and to do that I need to be more present in every moment.

Thank you for reading and until next time,

Alex Risdall :)